Kerry'd Away

I have really been missing Chrissy a lot lately, and I don’t know why. It’s been almost five years since she passed away, but in some respects it feels like it was just yesterday. I have even cried because I miss her so much, including today. It happens so quickly, too. I’ll be stitching or something and my mind will be wandering. Then it will suddenly just land on Chrissy. A lot of it has to do with my regret over how impatient I was with her the last year or so she was alive.

She was such a loving person. This is a picture of the two of us when we were much younger. Chrissy was two years older than me, so I can’t remember when she wasn’t around. When your entire life is spent revolving around another person, you don’t know anything else. What was normal for other families was not normal for us.

Learning what to do when Chrissy had a seizure, or how to change her diaper, became part of what we did. Both Kimberly and I would take care of Chrissy in various ways as we grew up. At times Kimberly resented it and I let my impatience get the better of me, but we always loved Chrissy no matter what.

Don’t get me wrong, there were many times that we became angry with her. Chrissy didn’t know what was hers and what wasn’t. It was like having a baby around all of the time, but one who could walk and get into your stuff. We had a few Barbie dolls who ended up with teeth marks on their legs because Chrissy found them and chewed on them. And you couldn’t leave a book laying around because she loved the sound of ripping paper. Chrissy was slightly autistic so the senses played a role in the toys that she enjoyed the most. Anything with loud music and flashing lights would grab her attention. The sound of ripping paper was on the top of her Favorites list.

One thing, though, was that she loved her family. When my dad would get home from work and sit down in the living room she would always have to go sit on his lap. She always loved sitting on your lap. She never realized that she was too big to be doing that. We used to get quite the looks when we would be in the doctor’s waiting rooms and she would be sitting on our laps, but we didn’t care. She was happy.

The term ‘love seat’ took on a whole new meaning with Chrissy. She didn’t care if it was already occupied by two people. She would just make herself at home between the two of you. If you were looking at something, she would look at it too. Not that she really cared what it was, but if it was brightly colored then it caught her attention.

Chrissy also loved playing the piano. Not that she knew what she was doing, lol. She would sit next to me on the bench and bang her hands down on the keys a few times. If I was actually playing a song I would instruct her that she was to play these notes, as I pointed them out to her, and when I gave her the nod she should hit them. Chrissy didn’t actually comprehend what I was telling her, and I knew it, but that didn’t stop us from talking to her like she did. She would sit and watch my fingers as they moved across the keys and then she would spread her fingers out like she was imitating me and maybe press a few of the keys. I would cross my hand in front of her and teasingly chide her for not keeping up with her share of the song, and she would just look at me and smile like I was silly for thinking that she really cared what I thought. Sometimes she would be having such a good time sitting there with me that she would laugh. Her last few years she didn’t laugh as much. She was so funny when she laughed! She would scrunch her face up, flare her nostrils, and give a squeal. She was also very good at the Elvis smile, with one side of her lip curled up. It used to make us laugh.

Her last few years were rough. This is the last picture that was taken of the three of us. It was one of her rarer good days. This was at the peak of my illness before I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, too. Maybe I can blame that for my impatience with her. I can’t tell you what I would give to be able to let her sit with me once more. I would let her kick back and toss her legs across me, as she reclined against the arm of the chair. She would start sitting next to you, but within moments would start to wiggle and move, to eventually be laying on you. lol. She was such a snot, but I miss her so much.

She helped me to become the person that I am today. Without her I would be very different. She was the reason why Kimberly became a Special Ed teacher. Chrissy was never selfish or demanding. She just wanted to be loved and comfortable. We were lucky to have her in our lives for as long as we did. I was 26 when we lost her. For a while I didn’t know what to do with myself. When you spend 26 years of your life helping to care for another person it’s hard to let go of that and start living differently. It’s still hard. There will be times that I’ll be in a store and see something that I know she would like. I have to stop myself and remember that she’s not around anymore. Or when you hear a certain noise and you automatically think that you need to go check and see what she’s getting into. Maybe that’s her way of saying hello to us and letting us know that she misses us. I know that she’s in a much better and happier place where she doesn’t have seizures and can talk all that she wants.

Boogart, I really miss you. A lot. All of us do. We love you.

The other night while scoping out the top 100 free downloadable ebooks for my Kindle I came across the book “Love is a Verb” by Gary Chapman. This is the same gentleman who wrote “The 5 Love Languages“, which helps you to understand the way in which you express your feelings of love for another. Or it will help you to understand and recognize the ways in which your loved ones express their feelings for you. Since Valentine’s Day is only a week away I thought that I might steal the title of his book and take my place on my soap box, if you don’t mind. lol

A week from today is February 14th. Besides the fact that it’s two days after Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, and my hire date, it’s also Valentine’s Day. A lot of people refuse to celebrate it because it’s a commercial holiday that was really built up by the greeting card companies, or so I’ve been told by a previous boyfriend. Is it a commercial holiday? Sure, but nowadays what holiday isn’t? Okay, maybe Flag Day has managed to escape the commercialization so far. lol

Many people use Valentine’s Day as a measuring device. How much does he/she love me? Do they feel that I’m worth a certain dollar amount? If they don’t buy me anything does that mean that they don’t value me? If he shows me every day of the year that he loves me, but I don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day, is it a deal breaker?

As a couple you need to come to an understanding about how you are going to celebrate so that it doesn’t cause any issues. Will you exchange gifts? Will you ignore it and treat it as any other day? Will it be an excuse to shower your sweetie with something special? Once you have figured that out then you should have a nice Valentine’s Day. But what about the rest of the year?

Like the title of this post states, love is a verb. When you talk about loving somebody it’s often said that you show a person how much you love them. Each person approaches this in a different way. I like to show my love by doing things for Jay, like baking him cookies. Another person, though, might think that the best way to show their love is just by spending time with that person. Again, to learn your love languages please check out Gary Chapman’s site that I linked above. He has a quiz there that you can take in order to learn what your love languages are.

The thing that irritates me the most about couples nowadays is that they don’t spend much time communicating or getting to really know each other. When you’re out at a restaurant often one or both of them are texting with somebody else. They walk along with a phone in one hand and maybe their love’s hand in the other. Or, they sit in the car at their spouse’s fly in. Think about it. If you love an activity a lot you want the person whom you love the most to enjoy it with you. Even if they don’t enjoy it, to at least take an interest in it. I love to cross stitch, but I realize that’s not something that everybody can enjoy. If I’m working on a piece, though, it makes me happy to have Jay ask to see the progress that I’m making on it. He may not want to actually stitch, but he’s taking an active interest in it. Or, he knows that I love to read so he bought me a Kindle for Christmas. He will ask me if I’ve downloaded any new books, or he will ask me if I’ve read any on the Kindle recently.

Quality time is another thing that couples are missing today. We are so bombarded by technology and all of the things that are taking up our time. We say that we are so busy and we don’t have time for this or that, but yet we find time to watch three hours of TV every night. Or there seems to be plenty of time to spend online watching videos on YouTube. It really doesn’t take that much of an effort to spend quality time together. I hate to keep using me and Jay as an example, for we really aren’t a perfect couple, but Jay enjoys working on his planes in his basement so how do we make things work? I have activities that I enjoy and can spend my time working on them while also being in the basement with Jay. After our first date he bought a second padded stool for his basement so that I would have a place to sit when I was down there with him. That stool has received a LOT of use! It’s very nice and comforting to just be in each others company even if there isn’t any talking going on.

Don’t take each other for granted, either. If he opens the door for you be sure to say thank you. If she gets your favorite snack while she’s at the store make sure that you let her know what it means to you to have her remember stuff like that. Let him know that you appreciate it when he does something for you. Don’t ever expect that just because they love you means that they should automatically do it. I love Jay, but if he started to just assume that I was going to make dinner every night because he deserved it then we would have to have a conversation.

One more thing that people should keep in mind. When we were younger we learned the rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” We all know that was a HUGE lie that we bought into. Why? Because our parents didn’t want us to be constantly whining and crying about what some person said about us. It was to help us thicken our skin. One other thing that my mom taught me was that you have to be careful about what you say at all times. Once you have said something you can’t take it back, and though the other person may forgive you they won’t ever forget. So never say anything that you don’t mean. Even when they were at their angriest with each other I never heard my parents say that they hated the other one. Why? Because it wasn’t true, and you can’t take it back. Think about it. How many times has somebody very close to you said something mean and you can still hear them saying it? It still hurts, doesn’t it? That’s why you should never try to hurt the one you love by saying mean and untrue things. You do, however, want them to know exactly how you feel. That’s why you should take many opportunities to tell them how much you love them. If something were to happen to you today, would your loved ones know how you really felt? As Garth Brooks sang, “If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I love her? Did I try in every way to tell her every day that she’s my only one?” You don’t have to exhaust yourself every day telling everybody that you love them. It’s the little things. When you talk to your mom make sure to tell her that you love her before you hang up the phone. Send your boyfriend a text that just says, “I love you”. Little things like that will last much longer than any bouquet of roses or box of chocolates.

If you remember, I said that I had moved my blog to WordPress due to Google’s new privacy policy and the fact that I didn’t want Big Brother watching over my shoulder. I had a good friend send me the following link that I think you might find helpful if you want to avoid Google’s hoarding:

http://howto.wired.com/wiki/Hide_From_Google

I realize that people hate change, and I’m sorry to do this to you, but I needed to get away from Google. They have changed their Privacy Policy to be not-so-private and I didn’t want them to be able to give my information away whenever it was deemed ‘necessary’. Thus, I had to get off of Blogspot. I enjoyed being over there, but am hoping that keeping my blog here will keep me off of the radar for a little while longer. I’m trying to keep Big Brother at bay for as long as possible. You see, 2+2=4! Always has and always will.

Thanks for following me to my new spot! And please enjoy the cuteness of Joey at the top of the page. 🙂

This post is dedicated to my grandfather, whom I never met. Due to his abuse of my dad and his siblings, which was made possible by the fact that he was a no-good alcoholic drunk, I always try to moderate my drinking. If it’s possible that alcoholism is genetic then I want to distance myself as far from that as possible. He is the reason why I refuse to drink alone and try not to drown my sorrows in alcohol.

Why do I have wine on the brain? Perhaps it was because I was a little too honest with my boss today. It has been two months since I learned that my previous boss had found a new job and was leaving. It has been over a month since any internal candidates for the position had to turn in their applications. They still have not filled her position. In the meantime, when people have questions they come to me. I have been pulled into more things that I don’t have a clue about than I can count. I actually had to ask somebody about a meeting that I had been invited to, “What is this about and what was Debbie’s stance on it?” Is that sad or what? Not to mention the fact that I was pulled into a meeting today about the budget. Now, I don’t understand why people keep asking me questions about the budget. The ONLY thing that I do for budget is I prepare the direct and indirect labor rates for it. That’s it! Debbie did the rest and she didn’t teach me anything about it before she left because she has contracted with the company to come back for about a week in August when we have to get the budget process started again. In the meantime we haven’t finalized our 2012 budget and so there are questions being flung at me. I actually told the VP of Finance today that I had no idea what was going to be affected because I’m still trying to get my head around the financial statement that gets prepared each month. This is what happens when I am pigeon holed into concerning myself with part detail and part structure. Having spent the last seven years completely immersed in that stuff I didn’t have time to concern myself with the general accounting side of things. Not that I didn’t want to. I asked multiple times to be trained on that so I would have an idea of what else goes on, however, because I work with an incompetent moron we couldn’t trust him to do my work for me while I did other things. Now when my boss is gone are people going to him for answers? NOPE.

Today my now boss actually says that he’s hopeful that Jan month end close will be a lot better than December. I just looked at him and asked if he was serious. I don’t think that he quite knows how to take me, yet. I told him, “I already know that it’s going to be ugly. I have no hope that it’s going to be anything but a big headache. If I go home at night and don’t get completely drunk then I know that it wasn’t as bad of a day.” He actually laughed and thought that I was joking. If he only knew! I don’t look forward to month end close because it’s going to be VERY ugly. I’ve spent the last two days trying to build a report that will enable me to be more accurate when trying to explain the variances (which are going to be REALLY ugly). There are so many pieces that I have to try to break out in order to get a better idea about what’s going on that I’m afraid it’s going to take me just as long this month to do my work as it did last month. Except, I don’t have that kind of time. So I know that it will be 10-11 hour days for me, starting on Wednesday, until I have everything caught up. You will be relieved to know, though, that I fully expect my incompetent coworker to maintain his 8 hour days without any difficulty.

Yes, I’m whining. If I’m going to be doing my boss’ work anyway then just give me the promotion and the extra money. I hate working for free. I’m not a socialist! I refuse to ‘share the wealth’.

Do you know what would be nice?

A long back rub…

A relaxing spa pedicure (I can feel the warm water right now)…

And a sweet tea in my hand (no lemon, please)…

Since the only one of those that I can afford is the sweet tea, I’ll just have to find some eye candy to go with it instead….

Hopefully everybody else has an enjoyable week to look forward to! 🙂