In my last post I mentioned that we were going to take in a cat who was in need of a loving home. She arrived Friday evening, but by Saturday morning I had to have her picked up and taken back. It was not due to anything that she did. In fact, she is a sweetheart of a cat and will make a terrific pet for anybody who does not have any other animals. It wasn’t until after I spent a few hours with her, and dealt with anxiety attacks during the night because she had been very aggressive with Bob, that I realized that I wasn’t ready for another cat. I still miss Chester too much.
Saturday morning I was right back in the same exact emotional state I had been in when I left the vet’s office after having to put Chester to sleep. It hasn’t quite been two months. I thought I was doing okay. I thought it would be good. After all, I’ve lost a few cats during my life.
Schwartz (“Baby Zhu-zhu”)
I loved all of these cats with my whole heart, so why does the loss of Chester feel so much deeper? Is it just because it’s more recent? Or is it due to the fact that Jackson was the cat that I had the longest at 8 years, whereas I had Chester for 14?
Was it because she was a unique cat who carried on conversations with me and was always supervising me?
Whatever the reason, I decided that it was unfair to bring another cat into my house and not be able to really give it all of the love it deserves. I could feel that I was walling off my heart and holding Bob even tighter. That wasn’t fair to the cat and so I wanted to give her a chance to find a better human. I know that she will. I just feel bad that I put all of us through the attempt this weekend.
I know that non-pet people don’t understand. “It was just a cat,” they will say and dismiss it without hesitation. If you’ve ever had a beloved pet, though, I know you completely understand what I’m going through. I thought that by now I would be a little stronger. That I could handle talking about Chester without tearing up or looking at her picture and not wanting to break down sobbing. Apparently not. It’s going to take a little longer.
If you have a pet please hold them a little tighter tonight and give them lots of kissies. All too soon they will be gone.
*buckets of hugs*
Love and grief are complicated and happen in their own time. I’m glad you were able to make the right decision for you and the kitty in this tough situation.