The past couple of posts over on (in)courage have dealt with fear, bravery and confidence. I think that I’m supposed to be picking up a message from it, but I have to admit that I’m not sure just which one. It’s all a little fuzzy to me. I will attempt to explain a little further.

My aunt called tonight and said that the paperwork should be ready soon for me to start the process of getting a mortgage to buy my grandma’s house. It’s a cute little ranch house that is close to where I work. I should be excited, right? I should be chomping at the bit! But I’m not. When I think about it there’s something churning in my gut that I’m not sure if it’s dread or if it’s anxiety. I can’t define it and that bothers me because I rely a lot on my gut and what it tells me.

I never wanted to buy property in town. Taxes are high, it’s city living, and I’ve never really been sure about buying property in NY State considering the state of the economy and the fact that all of our money here is funneled out to NYC to pay for the welfare rats there. Thus the reason for the high taxes and ridiculous regulations. However, when my grandma passed away I was in a state of transition where I felt that maybe getting out and having my own place would be a good thing for me. And it would have been if it hadn’t taken so freakin’ long to do anything. Grandma passed away in February and we’re still waiting for the paperwork to be done so that we can settle the estate. It’s ridiculous.

Things have changed for me in the last few months where I’m not sure if I will be in NY State for very long. I could be completely wrong and may never ever leave the state. I just don’t know. However, in the last few months the entire process has really soured things for me. I am literally at the point where I don’t care one way or another. If I get the house, then fine. If I don’t, that’s okay too.

What are my fears? On the bad side of things I’m worried about the extra expenses. What if I have the house for a little while and the taxes sky rocket? (which is really sad considering the city schools SUCK). What if things work out where I have to decide if I want to move out of state or not? What if I’m truly only doing this because I feel like if I don’t that my parents will be disappointed. I’m getting the house for a great deal and that’s why it’s hard for me to decide to walk away. Do I want my own space? Oh yes! Very much so! But at what cost? I wish that I could explain myself a little better, but I’m trying not to jinx things.

A lot of my fears are based on the unknown. Will I be able to afford it by myself? If the economy continues to go in the toilet will it have been a huge mistake to buy it? If I had somebody else with another income moving in, too, then that would be different. However, I’m not going to search for a roommate because I refuse to live with a stranger.

Anyways… I have to figure out just what exactly my gut is telling me and what I’m supposed to do with it. *sigh*