I’m sure you’ve all had one of those days where you wake up and things are good… kind of. I woke up to the sounds of a cat puking, fifteen minutes before my alarm was to go off. Despite that, however, I was having a good day. I had weighed myself and discovered that I’ve managed to lose a total of fifteen pounds since I started really paying attention to my caloric intake back in February. I could have lost more, but I really don’t enjoy exercising. If I was doing an activity because I enjoyed it and it also counted as exercise, that’s one thing. However, I have a really hard time making myself do exercise that I don’t like just because I know that it’s good for me. Now that it’s better weather I am able to get out during lunch for my walk with a coworker. It doesn’t seem like exercise because we have such a good time chit chatting.
Then a disappointment came about in the afternoon that really brought my entire day down because it brought a lot of my insecurities to the surface. I feel like I’m not good enough. That I will never be truly happy. That I won’t be able to find anybody to be with for ever, and I might as well just give up on having kids. Most days I feel like I’m going to die all alone. There aren’t any decent guys left out there. If they manage to sweet talk you and you give them a chance, then often as soon as they have you in their life they conveniently forget everything that they promised they would do for you, or else they expect you to change in certain ways in order to accommodate them. I’m willing to compromise, but only to a certain extent. When I feel like I’m having to completely change who I am then it’s time to step back. Not that any of this happened today, but the disappointment I felt brought these thoughts to mind.
These insecurities then led to the frustrations that I am having with this whole house debacle. We are still waiting to hear from the lawyer regarding the will, since it’s still in probate. We can’t begin the process of selling the house to me until that stage has passed. In the meantime I would like to start the process of cleaning out my grandma’s house, but nobody else seems in a hurry to get it done. Grandma was in the nursing home for 4.5 years. We always knew that she wouldn’t be returning to her house, but nobody wanted to do anything with her things until she was actually gone. On one hand I can understand that. On the other hand, she’s been gone since February so I think that we can feel safe in donating her clothes to the Salvation Army or something. My uncle has been living in the house since grandma went into the nursing home so he’s supposed to be looking for someplace else to live. My fear is that he’s not going to find anything until he has the inheritance money from the sale of the house. Then once he finally moves out they will decide that perhaps we should clean grandma’s stuff out. Only once the house is finally cleaned can I begin to do the repairs that I need to do before I can move in. Do you have any idea how long that could take??!! I am trying not to freak out, but it’s not working so well. I have a lot of fears creeping up about the whole thing. Needless to say, I haven’t been very cheerful lately.
I follow a blog called (in)courage (http://www.incourage.me/) and today on the blog I came across something that really hit home. It was written by Holley Gerth for the site and this is what it said:
“Hey, beautiful girl, it’s okay. Let that dream come on in. You’ve got what it takes. You’re going to be okay. Even more than that–you’re going to change the world. It’s not going to be what you expect. Not at all. Oh, it’s going to be so much more.”
If I can only keep that in my head then I know that I will be okay.